What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
