CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
