An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
