I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Houston, we have a squirter
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
