he thought i was a dude.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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