Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
don't judge my taste in strippers
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
