i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
