god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
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