i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
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