Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
