were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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