that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
