I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
