the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
