i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Is Oprah even human
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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