remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
