I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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