if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
