Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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