You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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