Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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