my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just invented taco cereal.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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