I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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