My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
