then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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