I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
