Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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