After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
