The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
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Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
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