Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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