hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
There r osticjed everywhere
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
