Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
