For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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