I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
