a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Randomize
