if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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