Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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