It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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