There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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