Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
