Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
