he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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