I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
