Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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