and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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