wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
