I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
