rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
BRING THE BAGELS
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
