He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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