there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
