i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
