My room smells like vodka and shame
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
