Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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