Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize