I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
