Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
