Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
