Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize