Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
