I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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