We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
