i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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